I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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