I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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