it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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