the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Found your dick twin last night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize