was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i think i scared a bird with my dick
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
