i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
