Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
