im drinking this country out of the recession.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
