I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
you had me at cake vodka
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
