When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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