But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
