Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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