I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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