Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize