If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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