What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
