I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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