Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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