Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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