Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
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