Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize