It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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