I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
