obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
