Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
