I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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