I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
