Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
