Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
