My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
