i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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