Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
