He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
