he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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