And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
