i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
