I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
