Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
