I puked a lego.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
