You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
