my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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