my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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