I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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