Don't you send me to vm
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
