Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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