I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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