I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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