I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Randomize
