Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize