Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
