the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
