At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
