My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
