look no pants
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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