Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My dick has a subreddit
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize