I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
